How To Get Through A Job Interview & Come Across As A Sane Human Being

Dare I mention the dreaded job interview. I’d probably rather sit down next to my ex on an empty bus to Donegal then go through those nerves. But look, kids need money for sneaky naggins.

And also so the Mother will stop with comments like this when I’m trying to eat my Sunday dinner. “Remember that young one you were in Junior Infants with? You know she’s Mary’s cousin’s ex-babysitter? Yeah well she’s just graduated from Royal College of Surgeons” Fuuuck off outta my ear woman!

This point is especially for us girlos, it’s some pain the hole trying to look class for an interview and then getting rejected. Jaysus like, could you have given us the heads up first before I spent my drink money on some new blouse that i’ll probably burn in the dead of night just so nobody finds out that that thing entered the sacred space that is my wardrobe.

Anywaaay, the interview for my current job was hilar looking back. Sure all I wanted was the money. I got a fit of the giggles when she went through my experience because my C.V. is so pouncey, tis unreal.

So I spent 6 months in Perth boozing at every opportunity and worked in this pure fancy spot called DJ’s (the equiv of Brown Thomas over here kiddos). I’m convinced the Area Manager was all hopped up on yokes or maybe she was someone who had a thirst for my young Irish body because for some unknown reason she made me Supervisor for the few months that I was there.

Yeah so that looked great on the aul work experience until she started reading out my responsibilities and I was getting flashbacks. ‘Production of monthly rosters and wage costing’ – Ehhh yeah the whole roster thing didn’t happen, me and the two Aussie girls would have blazing rows about who had to turn up for the weekend cos we’d all be fucked.

The best ever was when we all had tickets for ‘Groove In The Moo’ – some Aussie shite festival that I don’t remember because I thought I was hard and had Jack Daniels for breakfast. Anyway all three of us had tickets – long story short, none of us turned up for work that day, I put it down that we were all there, we each got paid $38 an hour for that day, nothing was ever said about it – and basically I’m a fucking unreal supervisor. Vote for me in the next election, I’d be some craic. Soooome craic!

During the interview for my current hell hole there was second where we made eye contact and I knew, deep down, I knew that she was thinking “Fuck me this girl’s an eejit”. So I did what comes best to me……I faked it until I made it!!

Now lets all take a second to analyse some important actions that were taken.

  • I did that “Oh hiiii, how are you?” greeting that always makes me cringe due to the insane levels of friendliness. Jaysus like, my fucking ears.
  • I smiled until I literally got a twitch in my face. My brain was probably thinking, Jaysus this girl hasn’t smiled this much since the last time she had dinner at her boyfs parents house
  • I talked scut until the cows came home, took a nap and then went back out to the field again. “Now so lets talk about your merchandising experience”, “Ah yeah, I was given complete responsibility after such a short time, it was obvious my creativity just shone through and I was such an asset to the team” In reality I can barely tell colours apart – people have asked me if I am colour blind before.
  • I flirted. Now, I’m not into scissoring, I’m all for a bitta forking at the end of the day but she was loving it. Not obvious flirting now, I wasn’t grinding up against her, be classy huns.
  • The end of an interview is always awk. “Do you have any questions?” “Yeah, what’s the salary cos I’ve expensive fucking taste? How many holiday days cos me and the huns will most likely wanna get locked on some island? And when can I start, cos I’m not waiting around for your phone call, are ya mad?” Play it cool lads, don’t be crazy like me. I always throw in a “thanks so much for having me in” comment before I leave, just so they think I might maybe have some manners.

Well, I tricked that poor girl into hiring me. I kept up the facade for maybe a full working week – probably not even, lets face it it’s hard to smile and be nice to dopes in the morning when you’re dreaming of watching Orange is the New Black in your Cookie Monster pyjamas. Now I’m back to being a full raging pyscho. She wants me to stay an hour longer? Jaysus you can see her creeping towards me as if I’m a Tiger and I’m gonna maul the big dopey head off her. God love her!

Adulting For Dummies Top Tip: Fake that shit until even you believe it!

Exaggerate your cheerfulness and work experience. Do it until you’re verging on laughter at your own bullshitting capabilities. You can go back to the usual nutjob once the contracts signed. They’re stuck with you then, best of luck to them! Bless!

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